Loneliness NZ


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Heart-broken and lonely

As humans we crave intimate relationships…we want to be special; to be someone else’s special person. We might not even remember our first experience of heartache – when we realised that we were no longer Daddy’s special little girl or Mama’s favourite, because then we had to share their love with other siblings, or perhaps even other people they were dating.   Our empathy goes to all of you who without even realising it, might still be suffering the effects of that deep hurt! 

As we get older it doesn’t seem to get easier – when we are disappointed in love we suffer. There are so many reasons you can become heartbroken – often especially worse when you have no control on the ending…your partner has had a change of heart of how they feel about you but you still feel completely in love, or one of you moves away with parents and you both are still completely in love. And sometimes your heartbreak comes from unrequited love – when you are secretly devoted to someone who doesn’t even know you “exist” in any meaningful way.

For many of you, the end of a relationship is extremely painful – heartbroken feels as if it is the right word. We feel for you…as you feel the full force of your emotional pain and as you feel physical pain – right there where your actual heart is! And if that isn’t enough to bear, our heart goes out to you when loneliness creeps in to the mix of all your other emotions…and the emptiness of your world might seem too hard to cope with.

So if you are one of the many people who feels lonely as a result of being heartbroken, or you know of someone who feels loneliness after ending a relationship, then read on. In fact even if you suspect others might be lonely, and they stoically say they aren’t, it’s worth understanding heartache and loneliness better.

Scratching the surface of being lonely

Just as you might find it hard to understand how people who have never been heartbroken might be lonely, it’s also hard for them to really grasp how very lonely you might be: what it’s like:-

Clinging to hope

....waiting for her to come back to you.

Feeling like a failure

... not good enough for anyone.

Having no energy

... even simple activities drain you.

Feeling confused

... what did I do wrong; what if I…..

Being out of control

... you promised yourself you wouldn’t text him but….

Being heartbroken gives rise to many challenges with regard to feeling lonely...

… and in addition to these, you undoubtedly identify with many of the same loneliness problems that aren’t related to having ended a relationship…

Prevalence of loneliness

If you’re feeling heartbroken, it might help to discover that there are many people out there in a similar position. The reality is that before we meet the person we settle down with for several or many more years, we do continue our search for “The One”. It would be more unusual to find the very right person straight away, rather than the more typical two or, for some… many more… heartbreaks on the journey.  

Some of the hardest situations are when we are cheated on, betraying our trust and breaking our heart.

In modern society sometimes “The One” turns out not to be forever. Then we may be heartbroken again as we look for “The True One”.

Flowchart showing average number of each type of relationship event before meeting 'the one'
Loneliness sometimes comes from feelings of shame, guilt, blame, humiliation, dishonour – and at an individual level how a person dies impacts upon what a person is grieving for.

Exposing loneliness

Feeling socially isolated occurs when people, like you, are not connected into their communities in a meaningful way.  Society, other people and we ourselves unwittingly contribute to loneliness. To name a few, loneliness resulting from being heartbroken might be exacerbated when:-

  • Society is focussed on people’s relationships – television shows on dating and getting married, dating apps, magazines.
  • In your own world, all the people around you seem to be in relationships that are working out for them, and you can’t seem to keep a girl or boy friend.
  • Everyone you know has advice how to get over your love – what worked for them will work for you.
  • People belittle what you felt – justifying that you were only in puppy love or infatuated so say unhelpful things like “don’t’ worry you’ll find someone else soon”.
  • You didn’t see the end of the relationship coming – you thought everything was all right so you have had to contend with shock as well.
  • You no longer have your own circle of friends – all of your friends were joint and now ‘belong’ to your ex-partner.

These are very real issues for you;
and some are not quick fixes! So despite these challenges it’s vital you actively find ways to ensure that you – and those around you – are emotionally healthy.

Exhibiting signs of being lonely

Solitude is very important for people to reflect and to come to grips with their situation. Being lonely for short periods is also not necessarily unhealthy. What we are considering is the type of loneliness which is prolonged and might be damaging to an individual’s health and wellbeing.

Some people talk about their loneliness; other’s don’t. Some might not recognise that they are actually suffering from loneliness.

When people are already lonely, having people around you that you aren’t able to connect with on a deeper level, might even make your loneliness worse.

Research has shown that when socially isolated people aren’t getting enough regular human contact that can create problems with their family members and people who they do end up talking to.

This manifests behaviour such as:

  • Avoiding friends in general, and particularly couples … you don’t want their advice, their sympathy, and them reminding you of your lost partner.
  • Showing bitterness or anger… erasing every memory that your loved one existed, or bad-mouthing them.
  • Becoming super-busy with projects …to give the world the impression you are alright.  
  • Not accepting invitations to socialise …especially if you have made a pact never to date again.
  • Having meaningless sex…as a way of getting past the special relationship you previously had.
  • Not eating well, or barely… you lose all sense of taste and appetite.

These are just the surface of the ways you might be showing signs of being lonely… and that you could recognise in others.
So where to from here?

Conquering loneliness

We appreciate…

you all have a unique story.

How long you have been lonely;  What you believe causes your particular loneliness; and what you have already tried to alleviate the loneliness.

To get to the heart of your loneliness we would like to get to know you!

Your personality, your eccentricities, and your values are all part of what makes you feel your loneliness more than some others.

Your next step

We appreciate the trust you would place in us to talk openly and frankly – so we promise no judgements – genuine empathy, respect and confidentiality.

Then when we have understood you better, we can help you move forward. Help you form better connections with your spread out communities, with your friends and your families…wherever they are in the world.

If you are ready to take the next step, click the button to get started addressing your loneliness:

People feel lonely for many reasons. To learn more about other hurt and lonely categories, select one of the coloured boxes below, or scroll down the “I’m feeling lonely” menu.

Loneliness NZ square I'm feeling lonely logo

With our help you can conquer your loneliness by taking better care of your inner self.

And we can conquer loneliness in New Zealand by better understanding and accepting each other.

So when you are ready…click here.

We look forward to hearing your view of the world!

Telegraph (2014), “Average woman will kiss 15 men and be heartbroken twice before meeting ‘The One’, study reveals”, 1 January. Read the article.